My heart is full of Love today!

    I just can't tell you how Loved I am feeling today. It is so nice to know that I have so many amazing and wonderful people that are behind me. That are always there pushing me on and telling me to keep fighting even when times get really tough for me. There are moments when things get so tough and I really truly feel like I am drowning that I just can't do this. This is when one of these friends just reminds me that it's OK and they are there for me no matter what happens. That all I need to do is focus on getting better and never to worry about all the other stuff going on. I don't know what I ever did to be so lucky to have all these people in my life but just know that each and every one of you all make a huge difference in my life and I could not continue to do this battle without all of you! You are all very much loved by me and continue to make a difference not just in my life but the life of my children!

Where oh where is my brain?

     Is it the effects of Gamma Knife treatment or the effects of Chemo that make me totally feel like I am losing my mind? I am really not so sure but I can tell that things are changing. I can send a text an email or a comment on facebook and for some reason I am thinking just what i want to say but when it is typed out and sent I will read it back and there are complete words that I have left out or an entirely different word in place of the one I wanted. Does this make any sense at all? Like tonight I meant to use the word shake but when the message was sent it was shack. The funny thing is I try and proof read everything I send but for some reason I am not catching this stuff and really it is just making me feel so dumb. Now I understand making mistakes like this every once in a while but I am finding that it is always happening now. This is not me! Sometimes I so miss the old Connie. The Connie that could say what needed to be said without 20 mistakes in what she was saying. I am almost at the point of not wanting to say anything because I am just so frustrated with it all. Do I just need to relax and know that all my friends know what is going on and they understand? Of course!! It is just so much easier said then done though. I know that I am so much harder on myself then any of my friends would be but I just can't shake this feeling of feeling so dumb. I know that I forget things now as well. If I don't put it into my calender right away there is not much of a chance of remembering an appointment and really I am finding that I am trying to write just about everything down so I can remember. Ughhhh, part of it could be due to my age but not even a year ago I didn't have all these issues. So I guess the ranting in this post tonight is more for each of you to know whats going on and maybe a little understanding just to know that I am not completely nuts.

News from the Dr but a great weekend!

    So... I didn't really have the kind of Dr's appointment that I wanted to have this last week but I had prepared myself for the worst and if I got some good news well then I could celebrate that. If I am going to be completely honest I knew that there had been some changes and that I would be getting some of the news that I expected. My biggest concern though was that I was going to have to be doing whole brain radiation. This is where the good news comes in, all though we have at least 2 to 3 new spots and the other spots that have already been treated do look bigger my Dr feels like they are bigger because of scar tissue and not because the tumors are growing. He also feels like the new tumors that are there now can also be treated by Gamma Knife again. He really wants to wait until we have no other choice to do the whole brain radiation. Not that I am so excited to do Gamma Knife again but this option is so much better then the whole brain radiation! My Dr will be presenting my case to a Gamma Knife board and they will make a decision on my case in a few weeks. I will be going back to see my Dr on the 29th and I will know more at that point but we are probably looking at doing Gamma Knife again sometime in June.
     I am so thankful that I had a very busy weekend planned to keep my mind off of the news. I was really struggling with my feeling on Thursday and really wasn't quite sure how I felt about things. We had lots of people at the house on Friday night as we were all getting up nice and early on Saturday morning for the Race for the Cure walk. I can't even tell you how wonderful it was to have so many of my friends and family there supporting me! It meant the world to me and I love each and every one of these people for being there and getting up so early with me!

  These were some of those wonderful people  minus some that were cut out of the picture or even taking the picture. What an amazing group of people! Sunday I was able to spend the day with all 4 of my children. I love my children so much and am so thankful for them. They make my life complete and remind me that no matter what happens to me there will always be a little bit of me in them and that I will be still here after I am gone. So all in all I am thankful for this wonderful week and for the wonderful people that I have around me who help me to contiune to fight and love me every day!

Meltdown!!

OK so I am going to admit it tonight.... I had a complete melt down today!! All though I had a great appt with Dr S yesterday & the cancer isn't growing in my lungs but it is also not any smaller. Which is really great news & I will continue on with the chemo drugs that I am taking now until this no longer works. This is good news & I can lead a some what regular life right now. At the end of the appt though Dr S asked about what was going on with the tumors in my head & what Dr C had said about them. I had told him in the last scan Dr C say a few things going on but really wasn't sure what it was & that he wanted to wait another 2 months to see if there was any changes or if we could even see more. Dr S said that he did see the scan & understood what Dr C was talking about but that these were the same ones as before & had already been treated. He said that you can only do the Gamma Knife so many times on the same area then it just is too much radiation. He suggested going ahead & maybe thinking about doing the whole brain radiation at this point. So we started to talk about the after effects of radiation. I was always under the impression that I would lose my hair with this but come to find out in most adults they lose their hair not just for the period of time that they are going through radiation but permanently. I was fine yesterday going over this information but today it was a melt down for me. It's one thing to know that you are going to lose your hair but once off the chemo it will grow back but I just can't imagine losing my hair & not ever having it grow back. So really living in wigs, scarfs & hats for the rest of my life!!! This SUCKS!! Then to get to my appt today for the brain scan only to find out the MRI is broken & they need to reschedule. That was the end of it for me & a complete meltdown. Now I really started thinking about it later in the day & when I first found out I had cancer in 2007 I had a meltdown but this 2nd time around no problems dealing with the cancer this time just the financial side of it this time around so I am going to be easy on myself & just say that I really needed the good cry today. I still know nothing yet on the brain & will go back in on Tuesday for the scan then the appt to find the results but in the end it really doesn't matter what the results are. All that matters is that I am still here to enjoy my family & friends as long as I can!!! :-)

Trying to Relax

I am sitting here tonight just trying to relax but all I am feeling is a little anxious. I had my lung this afternoon & will be getting result on Thursday then I will be going in on Friday for the brain scan. I know that I got this great news from my Dr 3 weeks ago but it's really hard to get that little nagging feeling in the back of your head telling you that it may not be the news I want to hear out of my head. Honestly, I am really not as concerned about my lungs but more about what may be going on with my brain right now. I am waking up every morning now with headaches & that has been one of the things they keep telling me to watch for. Unfortunately all the medication that I have been taking wont do anything for my brain tumors so even if my tumors were doing great in my lungs it could be doing the complete opposite in my head. After the last experience with the Gamma Knife I am not supper excited to sign up for it again. All though the Gamma Knife option is so much better the whole brain radiation. Ohhh... what to do? Then again why am I stressing over this when I know nothing right now. I need to just keep telling myself "relax Connie you know nothing & just need to enjoy your time right now". Sometimes this is so much easier said then done! Only a few more days & I will have some of the information that I need. I can do this!!

Running with my happy feelings :-)

     Man alive that sucked!!! I have been trying to post for the last week on my thoughts about my appt last Thur & for some reason I just kept getting an error code. I was finally able to get this all figured out today. I didn't realise how much I just need to write everything down. It's like a form of release for me. It's almost like it makes it real once it is written in front of me. I don't know but I am sure glad that I am back!!
   So lets get to my thoughts..... On my last post I was concerned that all my coughing was maybe coming from the cancer growing in my lungs again but as I was flying home from my sisters it became very clear that I just had a good old fashion cold. Man this cold really just kicked my rear! I was down for a few days & am now starting to feel so much better. I had been thinking that I had my Dr appt this week but on Wed night I got the reminder call that my appt was on Thur morning. I was thinking Wed night that I really needed to reschedule it because I was feeling awful but when Thur morning rolled around I knew that I needed to go & that maybe he could just check on the cold as well. So I get the boys off to school & head to the Dr's. Now I have to say that when I started coughing last week I did check the tumor in my collar bone. We left it there so that we could see any changes that may be happening with the cancer without any scans done. When I felt it I thought it seems smaller & I was having a little harder time finding it but sometimes I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me so I really didn't want to get my hopes up. When Dr S. came into the room we did our usual little visit then he started his exam. He always checks my collar bone first. He is quite.... checking first the right side where the tumor is then the left then back to the right.... The silence is almost deafening but he then smiles & pats my back & says "The tumor is smaller & very soft". I just want to jump up & hug him!! I don't feel like I have gotten much good news lately from him. Just that we are controlling the cancer & its not growing, not that that's bad new but not good news either. So what was the plan now? We will continue on the meds that I am taking now for 1 more round then we will do a lung scan in 3 weeks to really see the progress. Dr S. seem positive & I was just so happy to hear that things are shrinking. So I went away from this appt feeling great right now. Feeling that all my hard work in changing my diet & my exercise routine is finally paying off, that I really am not doing this all for nothing. It's a great feeling right now & I just want to keep running with this feeling for as long as I can! I will know more in 2 weeks but for now I am just HAPPY!

Aches & Pains

  As I lay here tonight in complete pain & my body just aching all over I wonder if I should post tonight on how I am feeling. I don't want to be a complainer but then i remind myself why I started this blog. I wanted to not only help myself get stuff off my chest but to also give others an avenue of information on how they may feel if they are going through this. So with that I will post my feeling tonight. I don't think that I have ever been so frustrated in my life! All the simple things that you always take for granted have become so hard for me. I have lost the strength in my hands so not only now do I drop things constantly but I can't open things up anymore. A bottle of water you would think would be so simple & every time I pick one up I still try & open it with no luck.... Ughhh I think what is hard right now is when I am traveling I can't lift my baggage up to the over head compartment. If you look at me right now I look like a perfectly healthy normal person & when I ask someone for help they just look at me like I am just a wimp & do I really need their help. It makes me feel bad! I have always been someone who takes care of myself & does just about everything I could by myself so to even ask someone for help is alot for me. I guess that is just something that I need to work through myself. I thought when the Dr put me onto these new pills that it was going to be easier on my body & really it is alot better then the chemo IV but I am really surprised with how much my body aches. I had already started having issues with my arms, neck & shoulders but thought that would slowly go away after being off of the IV but that has just gotten worse & now my legs just ache. I move very slowly when getting up or walking on stairs. Its almost like being a 80 yr old women. I was talking to my brother in law Rich today about just this. He has been having alot of issues with his back for the last few years & his pain can be far worse then mine at times but he was saying that at one point he would have a bad day & the pain would be at a level 2 but the next day it might be a 0. Now the pain never goes away it is always a level 2 & above. This is just how I am feeling now a days. It's always there it never goes away & I am now just learning how to live with it. Yes, I could take pain medication but this knocks me out & I don't want to spend my life all drugged out & sleeping through everything. So as I lay here tonight I wonder is it going to get any better. I have started the coughing again also & I worry that the cancer may be growing in my lungs again. Then again if I get lucky maybe its just a cold & hopefully a few days will tell me the answer. I don't know but I just wanted to share my feeling with all of you & time will only tell.