Meltdown!!

OK so I am going to admit it tonight.... I had a complete melt down today!! All though I had a great appt with Dr S yesterday & the cancer isn't growing in my lungs but it is also not any smaller. Which is really great news & I will continue on with the chemo drugs that I am taking now until this no longer works. This is good news & I can lead a some what regular life right now. At the end of the appt though Dr S asked about what was going on with the tumors in my head & what Dr C had said about them. I had told him in the last scan Dr C say a few things going on but really wasn't sure what it was & that he wanted to wait another 2 months to see if there was any changes or if we could even see more. Dr S said that he did see the scan & understood what Dr C was talking about but that these were the same ones as before & had already been treated. He said that you can only do the Gamma Knife so many times on the same area then it just is too much radiation. He suggested going ahead & maybe thinking about doing the whole brain radiation at this point. So we started to talk about the after effects of radiation. I was always under the impression that I would lose my hair with this but come to find out in most adults they lose their hair not just for the period of time that they are going through radiation but permanently. I was fine yesterday going over this information but today it was a melt down for me. It's one thing to know that you are going to lose your hair but once off the chemo it will grow back but I just can't imagine losing my hair & not ever having it grow back. So really living in wigs, scarfs & hats for the rest of my life!!! This SUCKS!! Then to get to my appt today for the brain scan only to find out the MRI is broken & they need to reschedule. That was the end of it for me & a complete meltdown. Now I really started thinking about it later in the day & when I first found out I had cancer in 2007 I had a meltdown but this 2nd time around no problems dealing with the cancer this time just the financial side of it this time around so I am going to be easy on myself & just say that I really needed the good cry today. I still know nothing yet on the brain & will go back in on Tuesday for the scan then the appt to find the results but in the end it really doesn't matter what the results are. All that matters is that I am still here to enjoy my family & friends as long as I can!!! :-)