Running with my happy feelings :-)

     Man alive that sucked!!! I have been trying to post for the last week on my thoughts about my appt last Thur & for some reason I just kept getting an error code. I was finally able to get this all figured out today. I didn't realise how much I just need to write everything down. It's like a form of release for me. It's almost like it makes it real once it is written in front of me. I don't know but I am sure glad that I am back!!
   So lets get to my thoughts..... On my last post I was concerned that all my coughing was maybe coming from the cancer growing in my lungs again but as I was flying home from my sisters it became very clear that I just had a good old fashion cold. Man this cold really just kicked my rear! I was down for a few days & am now starting to feel so much better. I had been thinking that I had my Dr appt this week but on Wed night I got the reminder call that my appt was on Thur morning. I was thinking Wed night that I really needed to reschedule it because I was feeling awful but when Thur morning rolled around I knew that I needed to go & that maybe he could just check on the cold as well. So I get the boys off to school & head to the Dr's. Now I have to say that when I started coughing last week I did check the tumor in my collar bone. We left it there so that we could see any changes that may be happening with the cancer without any scans done. When I felt it I thought it seems smaller & I was having a little harder time finding it but sometimes I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me so I really didn't want to get my hopes up. When Dr S. came into the room we did our usual little visit then he started his exam. He always checks my collar bone first. He is quite.... checking first the right side where the tumor is then the left then back to the right.... The silence is almost deafening but he then smiles & pats my back & says "The tumor is smaller & very soft". I just want to jump up & hug him!! I don't feel like I have gotten much good news lately from him. Just that we are controlling the cancer & its not growing, not that that's bad new but not good news either. So what was the plan now? We will continue on the meds that I am taking now for 1 more round then we will do a lung scan in 3 weeks to really see the progress. Dr S. seem positive & I was just so happy to hear that things are shrinking. So I went away from this appt feeling great right now. Feeling that all my hard work in changing my diet & my exercise routine is finally paying off, that I really am not doing this all for nothing. It's a great feeling right now & I just want to keep running with this feeling for as long as I can! I will know more in 2 weeks but for now I am just HAPPY!

Aches & Pains

  As I lay here tonight in complete pain & my body just aching all over I wonder if I should post tonight on how I am feeling. I don't want to be a complainer but then i remind myself why I started this blog. I wanted to not only help myself get stuff off my chest but to also give others an avenue of information on how they may feel if they are going through this. So with that I will post my feeling tonight. I don't think that I have ever been so frustrated in my life! All the simple things that you always take for granted have become so hard for me. I have lost the strength in my hands so not only now do I drop things constantly but I can't open things up anymore. A bottle of water you would think would be so simple & every time I pick one up I still try & open it with no luck.... Ughhh I think what is hard right now is when I am traveling I can't lift my baggage up to the over head compartment. If you look at me right now I look like a perfectly healthy normal person & when I ask someone for help they just look at me like I am just a wimp & do I really need their help. It makes me feel bad! I have always been someone who takes care of myself & does just about everything I could by myself so to even ask someone for help is alot for me. I guess that is just something that I need to work through myself. I thought when the Dr put me onto these new pills that it was going to be easier on my body & really it is alot better then the chemo IV but I am really surprised with how much my body aches. I had already started having issues with my arms, neck & shoulders but thought that would slowly go away after being off of the IV but that has just gotten worse & now my legs just ache. I move very slowly when getting up or walking on stairs. Its almost like being a 80 yr old women. I was talking to my brother in law Rich today about just this. He has been having alot of issues with his back for the last few years & his pain can be far worse then mine at times but he was saying that at one point he would have a bad day & the pain would be at a level 2 but the next day it might be a 0. Now the pain never goes away it is always a level 2 & above. This is just how I am feeling now a days. It's always there it never goes away & I am now just learning how to live with it. Yes, I could take pain medication but this knocks me out & I don't want to spend my life all drugged out & sleeping through everything. So as I lay here tonight I wonder is it going to get any better. I have started the coughing again also & I worry that the cancer may be growing in my lungs again. Then again if I get lucky maybe its just a cold & hopefully a few days will tell me the answer. I don't know but I just wanted to share my feeling with all of you & time will only tell.

A great months end

As this month comes to an end I have had the chance to end this month out so great! Last weekend I was lucky enough to have my daughter & her boyfriend come for a visit. I just can't even begin to tell you how much I LOVE having all my children together! We were able to celebrate Cameron's 10th birthday together. The pure joy on Cameron's face just knowing that his Sissy was going to be there to celebrate his birthday was just priceless. Crystal had asked me what Cameron wanted for his birthday. When I asked him he said " I want a Nerf gun then he said anything that Sissy got me would just make me happy" It makes me so happy that my children are all so close & have such a wonderful relationship with each other. I hope this is something that will continue on in the future as they all get older. On Mon we dropped the boys at school, took Crystal to the train station & then me to the airport to head off to Utah to spend some time with my sister & her wonderful family. I have had such a wonderful time here with all my family. Shana & I have been able to get some good talking in & are just connected as we always were. I have also been able to spend some much needed time with all my nieces & nephews. My sisters kids are truly so awesome! I haven't been able to see my older niece & nephew in quite a few years so just being able to sit down & talk with them has been wonderful. My niece Brittany just blows me away. She knows just what she wants & where she is headed. My nephew Alex has been working quite a bit but a little conversation here & there has been great & of course all the hugs. Then there is my younger nephew & niece. Shana & I were able to go out to breakfast with my nephew AJ today. What a character he is! In his older years he has always been a little quieter around me but man on this trip he is just talking up a storm. I love hearing everything he has to say. Then there is Brooke.... Now here is a girl you need to keep your eyes on! She is a rising star. This little 12 yr girl can play soccer like no other girl I have seen. She lives & breaths soccer every single day & she is so amazing on the field. I am so glad that I have been able to see her play a few games while I have been here.
So as you can see my life is very full right now. I feel so blessed to have these wonderful people in my life who bring such joy to me every single day. This is how I love spending my time with all the people that I love & letting them know every day how much I love & care about them!

My children......

  I saw something this week that really made me stop & think about my kids. When I really sat & thought about it I began to feel so very sad for them or maybe even me. Here's what I saw

Now for those of you that really know me you know that I have never sat back & said poor me or boo hoo I have cancer but when I saw this I starting thinking about my kids & how far was I going to be able to make it into this process above. Lets see Bladen is 22 so can I make until he is 25 & then maybe I might be right in his eyes or my sweet little Colby boy he is now 8 & not even on this as of yet. Then I look down at 50 & think why is it that my kids need to even be thinking about this already. When I was 32 I lost my mom & I thought I was so young to be losing my mother & never did I think that my kids might lose theirs before that age. Now don't think that I have even given up my fight with Cancer but I also know that I need to be realistic & I need to get my stuff together. When I saw this it really made me decide that I want to do whatever I could for my kids while I can. I won't be around in 20 years to do all the things that everyone else might get to do so why fault me for wanting to do everything that I can for them now? I don't know that I will ever see any of my children get married & with that I don't think that I will ever get to see my grandchildren here on earth. Does this make me sad.... Sure it does but I worry more for my children then me. My children are the very best part of me & I love them with all my heart!

The Dream Cruise!

I have been home from my trip now for a week & I am so sorry that I haven't updated my blog any earlier but when I got home I started taking a new round of chemo pills & it ended up making me a little sicker then I expected. Now I am not complaining by any means but I think I was still also recovering from the trip so it kinda hit me like a ton of bricks along with having the little guys with me kinda did me in last week. Now here I am to tell you all about the trip. I will start off telling you this was the most amazing trip that I have ever been on. I was with some of my dearest friends & their family that took me right in & made me feel like I was just as much part of the family as anyone there. This meant so much to me & made me fall in love with each & every one of these wonderful people. I have now found new friends for life! So we boarded the cruise ship on Sat & when it was all happening it just felt like a dream.... was I really going to get to do this? I still think about it now & it seems like a dream... did I really go or was that just an amazing awesome dream? Oh, it happened, I have plenty of pictures to prove it. On Sunday we spent the day in the middle of the ocean nothing to be seen anywhere but just this amazing beautiful blue water. Never did I think that water would get so much bluer & prettier as we went along. At one point I fell asleep on the deck & I woke up to just looking at this beautiful sight & just being amazed at what was around me.

    Our 1st stop was on Mon morning we pulled in Cozumel Mexico bright & early in the morning & believe me when I say we were in one of the 1st groups getting off in the morning. This was an exciting day for me. I was going to get to swim with the dolphins but this was also a little later in the day so trying to contain my excitement all day long was a little tough. We ended up taking a brief tour & seeing little bit of where we were at. Then having a great lunch then the time came to swim with the dolphins. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful an experience this was! These mammals are so amazing we were able to swim with 2 which just made the experience so much better. I just wanted to wrap my arms around them & hug them & never let them go. You look into their sweet little faces & its like they are just smiling at you. How could you not just fall in love with such a beautiful creature?

Our 2nd stop was in Belize on Tue morning.... This was an even earlier morning as the ship couldn't dock in a port & we had to be tendered in which took about 15 min or so. We all were excited about this stop & looking forward to our Mayan ruin tour. This was a 6 hr tour so we all needed to move quickly so we could get it all in. We all boarded the bus for our hour long drive which went through town & into the country side. It was great to see all the different sights of this city. Then we all got into the boats for another hour long boat ride. This was so awesome. There was so much to see on this boat ride & for the most part just so relaxing. We finally arrived at the ruins. Our tour guides gave us an excellent Belizian lunch before we headed out for our hiking to the ruins. This was great! Our tour guide was so great & I learned so much from this tour. We ended up seeing 3 Mayan ruins but only had time to climb up the 1 biggest ruin. This is where I was a little disappoint. It had been a pretty long day for me at this point I was already feeling very exhausted but when we got to this ruin & I tooked one look at it I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to climb up this! This was the 1st time since we left that I had ever felt like I had cancer & the effects of it. It was great to see them all at the top but deep down I really wanted to be right up there with them all. All & all this was a wonderful day with so many great memories & beautiful sights & we all were so exhausted at the end of the day.

 Now we come to our 3rd & one of my most favorite stops Roatan Honduras. Everything was so beautiful here! I fell in love with this Island & would go back there in a heartbeat. We did another one of our famous little tour bus tours that took us shopping, stopping & falling in love with all the sweet little monkeys & then off to the beach. We ended up at a hotel that we had access to the hotel pool but also beach access so a few of us could go parasailing or scuba diving. I for one wanted to parasailing. This trip for me was all about doing & seeing things that I had never done before & all though the beach was so beautiful & amazing I could sit on a beach at any point in time in my life time. We got a group of us together & headed out to find the best pricing we could for our group then we were off to the boat. I LOVED this!! I can not begin to tell you how peaceful everything is when you are way up there... All the loud noise just goes silent & all you are doing is looking around at the pure beauty of everything around you. It was just amazing up there. So many things running through my head I can not even put everything together all my thoughts for you. The rest of the afternoon was spent by the beach or the pool & it was now time to start relaxing!

So now we come to our 4th & final stop we pulled into Costa Maya Mexico very early & once again we all were up & off the ship very quickly. This was a shorter day so we all wanted to get in as much as we could. We had no idea what we wanted to do on this stop when we got off but very quickly the girls & I figured out that we were going to do some sand ATVing. I am so glad that we decide to do this as this was just another wonderful experience. We were able to see parts of Costa Maya that the rest of the group missed out on. It also made me feel so blessed for what I have & what I have been given. I mean it would be wonderful to live on the beach but I sure don't want to do it in a little tiny shack. I am a pretty low maintenance girl but sorry not that low maintenance! After our ATV ride we met up with the rest of the group at a beach & finally did a little relaxing for the 1st time all week long... OK we also did some shopping. Then it was time to head back to the ship.

  So as you can see the trip had to be nothing short of amazing. How could it not be? Now my problem is I have the travelling bug. I want to go to places that I have never been before & see things that I have never seen before. I want to be able to do these thing while I can while I feel good & have the energy to do it. Then I think am I being selfish? Will people think what the heck is she doing & why is she doing this? And finally this is what comes to mind "Because life is short & I know I don't have a lot of time to do this. I need to make these things happen & enjoy the beautiful things around me while I can!"

A smile still on my face...

Well... I had my appointment with my Dr this afternoon after I had a great morning with Colby's class on a field trip to the Performing Art theater in Davis. It was a great field trip & the best part about it was when Colby leaned over to me & whispered in my ear "I am so glad you came with me mommy. I love you" How could this just not melt my heart? I knew at that moment that I was right where I needed to be. So on with the results... I had already prepared myself for the worst & knew that the cancer in my lungs had started to grow again. I was expecting for my Dr to tell me that we would be starting up on the chemo again & be prepared to get sick & lose the hair all over again, WTH!! I just had my hair colored & am feeling kinda pretty right now. Was I really going to have to do this again? The answer to this big question was NO!! I do have a 20% increase of cancer growth in my lungs but what we are going to try is a oral medication of 2 pills that I take daily that really shouldn't be to hard on the body. With this I may have some nausea but my Dr really feels that it shouldn't be to bad. We will try this for the next month or so & see how my body & the cancer responds. My prayer at this point is that my body along with these drugs can fight it for a while so that I can enjoy as much time with my family & friends as I can, The minute I start back on the IV chemo things always get so much harder & I find myself getting so grumpy with people. I don't like that & that's not the person I want to be. So when I look back on today I would have to say it was one successful day & hey, I am still smiling. All though the smile may also be from the thought of at this time next week I will be on the cruise laying in the sun enjoying more of the beautiful things that God has to offer us. I am so excited & just cant wait to see & do things that I have never done before. I am sure there will be lots of pictures for all to see soon.

Reflection...

First let me start off saying that I had such a wonderful weekend in Portland with Becca & Devon. It was so great seeing some of my friends that I haven't seen in a year. It was a beautiful weekend & we kept joking that I brought the warm California sun with me as it had been raining before I got there & then was supposed to start raining again the day after I left. None the less the weather was just awesome. I have been to Portland quite a few times now & every time I go they always take me some where new that I have never been. On this trip we went to Mt Hood.... Wow, what a sight!! The sky was so blue & the mountain just stood out so beautifully with the sky behind it. What a sight!

You know it's funny how something can happen in your life that just make you appreciate things so much more. I thought when my mom passed away so suddenly that was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Never did I think that things might get worse then that. When she passed away I realized that I needed to appreciate my own friends & family so much more & tell them as much as I could how much I loved them. Never ever do I want anyone in my life to not know just how I feel about them. When I got cancer the first time things seemed to change even more not only then do I appreciate my family & friends but I needed to appreciate my life & whats around me. I had been given so much & there is always so much beauty every where I turned. Now here we are on the 2nd time around with cancer. I have to be real with myself & I know that this cancer will kill me. I am not saying that I am giving up this fight at all or that it is going to happen anytime soon just that I know that it will happen in the future. This makes me want to just enjoy & love everything around me. I want to see things I have never seen before. I want to spend as much time with all the people that I love. I cant continue this fight without all my friends & family by my side! So why so somber all of a sudden, you ask. It has been  a week of deep reflection for me. I go see the Dr on Monday for the result of my lung scan & I already know what he is going to say. I can feel the cancer growing in my lungs again. You just learn to know your body & that things are different.  It was the same way when the cancer returned the 2nd time. Before the Dr even called me or even before I started the testing I just knew that it was back so there was really no shock when he told me just sadness & worry for my children. If I go into this appointment thinking the worst then if he happens to give me good news well then all that worry was for nothing but if I get the news I expect then I am not shocked & don't feel like I have been hit by a bus. So what am I trying to say? That I love each & everyone of you & am so thankful for the gift of such wonderful people in my life!  XOXO