Reflection...

First let me start off saying that I had such a wonderful weekend in Portland with Becca & Devon. It was so great seeing some of my friends that I haven't seen in a year. It was a beautiful weekend & we kept joking that I brought the warm California sun with me as it had been raining before I got there & then was supposed to start raining again the day after I left. None the less the weather was just awesome. I have been to Portland quite a few times now & every time I go they always take me some where new that I have never been. On this trip we went to Mt Hood.... Wow, what a sight!! The sky was so blue & the mountain just stood out so beautifully with the sky behind it. What a sight!

You know it's funny how something can happen in your life that just make you appreciate things so much more. I thought when my mom passed away so suddenly that was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Never did I think that things might get worse then that. When she passed away I realized that I needed to appreciate my own friends & family so much more & tell them as much as I could how much I loved them. Never ever do I want anyone in my life to not know just how I feel about them. When I got cancer the first time things seemed to change even more not only then do I appreciate my family & friends but I needed to appreciate my life & whats around me. I had been given so much & there is always so much beauty every where I turned. Now here we are on the 2nd time around with cancer. I have to be real with myself & I know that this cancer will kill me. I am not saying that I am giving up this fight at all or that it is going to happen anytime soon just that I know that it will happen in the future. This makes me want to just enjoy & love everything around me. I want to see things I have never seen before. I want to spend as much time with all the people that I love. I cant continue this fight without all my friends & family by my side! So why so somber all of a sudden, you ask. It has been  a week of deep reflection for me. I go see the Dr on Monday for the result of my lung scan & I already know what he is going to say. I can feel the cancer growing in my lungs again. You just learn to know your body & that things are different.  It was the same way when the cancer returned the 2nd time. Before the Dr even called me or even before I started the testing I just knew that it was back so there was really no shock when he told me just sadness & worry for my children. If I go into this appointment thinking the worst then if he happens to give me good news well then all that worry was for nothing but if I get the news I expect then I am not shocked & don't feel like I have been hit by a bus. So what am I trying to say? That I love each & everyone of you & am so thankful for the gift of such wonderful people in my life!  XOXO