A great months end

As this month comes to an end I have had the chance to end this month out so great! Last weekend I was lucky enough to have my daughter & her boyfriend come for a visit. I just can't even begin to tell you how much I LOVE having all my children together! We were able to celebrate Cameron's 10th birthday together. The pure joy on Cameron's face just knowing that his Sissy was going to be there to celebrate his birthday was just priceless. Crystal had asked me what Cameron wanted for his birthday. When I asked him he said " I want a Nerf gun then he said anything that Sissy got me would just make me happy" It makes me so happy that my children are all so close & have such a wonderful relationship with each other. I hope this is something that will continue on in the future as they all get older. On Mon we dropped the boys at school, took Crystal to the train station & then me to the airport to head off to Utah to spend some time with my sister & her wonderful family. I have had such a wonderful time here with all my family. Shana & I have been able to get some good talking in & are just connected as we always were. I have also been able to spend some much needed time with all my nieces & nephews. My sisters kids are truly so awesome! I haven't been able to see my older niece & nephew in quite a few years so just being able to sit down & talk with them has been wonderful. My niece Brittany just blows me away. She knows just what she wants & where she is headed. My nephew Alex has been working quite a bit but a little conversation here & there has been great & of course all the hugs. Then there is my younger nephew & niece. Shana & I were able to go out to breakfast with my nephew AJ today. What a character he is! In his older years he has always been a little quieter around me but man on this trip he is just talking up a storm. I love hearing everything he has to say. Then there is Brooke.... Now here is a girl you need to keep your eyes on! She is a rising star. This little 12 yr girl can play soccer like no other girl I have seen. She lives & breaths soccer every single day & she is so amazing on the field. I am so glad that I have been able to see her play a few games while I have been here.
So as you can see my life is very full right now. I feel so blessed to have these wonderful people in my life who bring such joy to me every single day. This is how I love spending my time with all the people that I love & letting them know every day how much I love & care about them!

My children......

  I saw something this week that really made me stop & think about my kids. When I really sat & thought about it I began to feel so very sad for them or maybe even me. Here's what I saw

Now for those of you that really know me you know that I have never sat back & said poor me or boo hoo I have cancer but when I saw this I starting thinking about my kids & how far was I going to be able to make it into this process above. Lets see Bladen is 22 so can I make until he is 25 & then maybe I might be right in his eyes or my sweet little Colby boy he is now 8 & not even on this as of yet. Then I look down at 50 & think why is it that my kids need to even be thinking about this already. When I was 32 I lost my mom & I thought I was so young to be losing my mother & never did I think that my kids might lose theirs before that age. Now don't think that I have even given up my fight with Cancer but I also know that I need to be realistic & I need to get my stuff together. When I saw this it really made me decide that I want to do whatever I could for my kids while I can. I won't be around in 20 years to do all the things that everyone else might get to do so why fault me for wanting to do everything that I can for them now? I don't know that I will ever see any of my children get married & with that I don't think that I will ever get to see my grandchildren here on earth. Does this make me sad.... Sure it does but I worry more for my children then me. My children are the very best part of me & I love them with all my heart!

The Dream Cruise!

I have been home from my trip now for a week & I am so sorry that I haven't updated my blog any earlier but when I got home I started taking a new round of chemo pills & it ended up making me a little sicker then I expected. Now I am not complaining by any means but I think I was still also recovering from the trip so it kinda hit me like a ton of bricks along with having the little guys with me kinda did me in last week. Now here I am to tell you all about the trip. I will start off telling you this was the most amazing trip that I have ever been on. I was with some of my dearest friends & their family that took me right in & made me feel like I was just as much part of the family as anyone there. This meant so much to me & made me fall in love with each & every one of these wonderful people. I have now found new friends for life! So we boarded the cruise ship on Sat & when it was all happening it just felt like a dream.... was I really going to get to do this? I still think about it now & it seems like a dream... did I really go or was that just an amazing awesome dream? Oh, it happened, I have plenty of pictures to prove it. On Sunday we spent the day in the middle of the ocean nothing to be seen anywhere but just this amazing beautiful blue water. Never did I think that water would get so much bluer & prettier as we went along. At one point I fell asleep on the deck & I woke up to just looking at this beautiful sight & just being amazed at what was around me.

    Our 1st stop was on Mon morning we pulled in Cozumel Mexico bright & early in the morning & believe me when I say we were in one of the 1st groups getting off in the morning. This was an exciting day for me. I was going to get to swim with the dolphins but this was also a little later in the day so trying to contain my excitement all day long was a little tough. We ended up taking a brief tour & seeing little bit of where we were at. Then having a great lunch then the time came to swim with the dolphins. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful an experience this was! These mammals are so amazing we were able to swim with 2 which just made the experience so much better. I just wanted to wrap my arms around them & hug them & never let them go. You look into their sweet little faces & its like they are just smiling at you. How could you not just fall in love with such a beautiful creature?

Our 2nd stop was in Belize on Tue morning.... This was an even earlier morning as the ship couldn't dock in a port & we had to be tendered in which took about 15 min or so. We all were excited about this stop & looking forward to our Mayan ruin tour. This was a 6 hr tour so we all needed to move quickly so we could get it all in. We all boarded the bus for our hour long drive which went through town & into the country side. It was great to see all the different sights of this city. Then we all got into the boats for another hour long boat ride. This was so awesome. There was so much to see on this boat ride & for the most part just so relaxing. We finally arrived at the ruins. Our tour guides gave us an excellent Belizian lunch before we headed out for our hiking to the ruins. This was great! Our tour guide was so great & I learned so much from this tour. We ended up seeing 3 Mayan ruins but only had time to climb up the 1 biggest ruin. This is where I was a little disappoint. It had been a pretty long day for me at this point I was already feeling very exhausted but when we got to this ruin & I tooked one look at it I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to climb up this! This was the 1st time since we left that I had ever felt like I had cancer & the effects of it. It was great to see them all at the top but deep down I really wanted to be right up there with them all. All & all this was a wonderful day with so many great memories & beautiful sights & we all were so exhausted at the end of the day.

 Now we come to our 3rd & one of my most favorite stops Roatan Honduras. Everything was so beautiful here! I fell in love with this Island & would go back there in a heartbeat. We did another one of our famous little tour bus tours that took us shopping, stopping & falling in love with all the sweet little monkeys & then off to the beach. We ended up at a hotel that we had access to the hotel pool but also beach access so a few of us could go parasailing or scuba diving. I for one wanted to parasailing. This trip for me was all about doing & seeing things that I had never done before & all though the beach was so beautiful & amazing I could sit on a beach at any point in time in my life time. We got a group of us together & headed out to find the best pricing we could for our group then we were off to the boat. I LOVED this!! I can not begin to tell you how peaceful everything is when you are way up there... All the loud noise just goes silent & all you are doing is looking around at the pure beauty of everything around you. It was just amazing up there. So many things running through my head I can not even put everything together all my thoughts for you. The rest of the afternoon was spent by the beach or the pool & it was now time to start relaxing!

So now we come to our 4th & final stop we pulled into Costa Maya Mexico very early & once again we all were up & off the ship very quickly. This was a shorter day so we all wanted to get in as much as we could. We had no idea what we wanted to do on this stop when we got off but very quickly the girls & I figured out that we were going to do some sand ATVing. I am so glad that we decide to do this as this was just another wonderful experience. We were able to see parts of Costa Maya that the rest of the group missed out on. It also made me feel so blessed for what I have & what I have been given. I mean it would be wonderful to live on the beach but I sure don't want to do it in a little tiny shack. I am a pretty low maintenance girl but sorry not that low maintenance! After our ATV ride we met up with the rest of the group at a beach & finally did a little relaxing for the 1st time all week long... OK we also did some shopping. Then it was time to head back to the ship.

  So as you can see the trip had to be nothing short of amazing. How could it not be? Now my problem is I have the travelling bug. I want to go to places that I have never been before & see things that I have never seen before. I want to be able to do these thing while I can while I feel good & have the energy to do it. Then I think am I being selfish? Will people think what the heck is she doing & why is she doing this? And finally this is what comes to mind "Because life is short & I know I don't have a lot of time to do this. I need to make these things happen & enjoy the beautiful things around me while I can!"

A smile still on my face...

Well... I had my appointment with my Dr this afternoon after I had a great morning with Colby's class on a field trip to the Performing Art theater in Davis. It was a great field trip & the best part about it was when Colby leaned over to me & whispered in my ear "I am so glad you came with me mommy. I love you" How could this just not melt my heart? I knew at that moment that I was right where I needed to be. So on with the results... I had already prepared myself for the worst & knew that the cancer in my lungs had started to grow again. I was expecting for my Dr to tell me that we would be starting up on the chemo again & be prepared to get sick & lose the hair all over again, WTH!! I just had my hair colored & am feeling kinda pretty right now. Was I really going to have to do this again? The answer to this big question was NO!! I do have a 20% increase of cancer growth in my lungs but what we are going to try is a oral medication of 2 pills that I take daily that really shouldn't be to hard on the body. With this I may have some nausea but my Dr really feels that it shouldn't be to bad. We will try this for the next month or so & see how my body & the cancer responds. My prayer at this point is that my body along with these drugs can fight it for a while so that I can enjoy as much time with my family & friends as I can, The minute I start back on the IV chemo things always get so much harder & I find myself getting so grumpy with people. I don't like that & that's not the person I want to be. So when I look back on today I would have to say it was one successful day & hey, I am still smiling. All though the smile may also be from the thought of at this time next week I will be on the cruise laying in the sun enjoying more of the beautiful things that God has to offer us. I am so excited & just cant wait to see & do things that I have never done before. I am sure there will be lots of pictures for all to see soon.

Reflection...

First let me start off saying that I had such a wonderful weekend in Portland with Becca & Devon. It was so great seeing some of my friends that I haven't seen in a year. It was a beautiful weekend & we kept joking that I brought the warm California sun with me as it had been raining before I got there & then was supposed to start raining again the day after I left. None the less the weather was just awesome. I have been to Portland quite a few times now & every time I go they always take me some where new that I have never been. On this trip we went to Mt Hood.... Wow, what a sight!! The sky was so blue & the mountain just stood out so beautifully with the sky behind it. What a sight!

You know it's funny how something can happen in your life that just make you appreciate things so much more. I thought when my mom passed away so suddenly that was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Never did I think that things might get worse then that. When she passed away I realized that I needed to appreciate my own friends & family so much more & tell them as much as I could how much I loved them. Never ever do I want anyone in my life to not know just how I feel about them. When I got cancer the first time things seemed to change even more not only then do I appreciate my family & friends but I needed to appreciate my life & whats around me. I had been given so much & there is always so much beauty every where I turned. Now here we are on the 2nd time around with cancer. I have to be real with myself & I know that this cancer will kill me. I am not saying that I am giving up this fight at all or that it is going to happen anytime soon just that I know that it will happen in the future. This makes me want to just enjoy & love everything around me. I want to see things I have never seen before. I want to spend as much time with all the people that I love. I cant continue this fight without all my friends & family by my side! So why so somber all of a sudden, you ask. It has been  a week of deep reflection for me. I go see the Dr on Monday for the result of my lung scan & I already know what he is going to say. I can feel the cancer growing in my lungs again. You just learn to know your body & that things are different.  It was the same way when the cancer returned the 2nd time. Before the Dr even called me or even before I started the testing I just knew that it was back so there was really no shock when he told me just sadness & worry for my children. If I go into this appointment thinking the worst then if he happens to give me good news well then all that worry was for nothing but if I get the news I expect then I am not shocked & don't feel like I have been hit by a bus. So what am I trying to say? That I love each & everyone of you & am so thankful for the gift of such wonderful people in my life!  XOXO

Gammainized

    I am so thankful that the last few days are behind me! I had my 2nd round of Gamma Knife Radiation on Thur. & all though we did find 2 more tumors on the brain we did find them early enough to hopefully have them treated & shrinking with this treatment. I have to say this type of treatment is not for the faint at heart. I am so thankful for my dear friend Jennifer that has been there with me both times now & is willing to stand in front of this silly steel crown when they wheel it into the room just so I wont have to sit there & keep looking at it until they screw it into my head. I had forgotten in just a mere 5 mths how much pressure & pain there was with this procedure. All I remember from last time was hearing the screws being screwed into my scull but maybe because I have lost half of my hearing I didn't seem to hear it this time. My experience this time was more the pressure & pain & when the screw was tightened on my right temple an immediate toothache & my jaw just feeling like it was going to lock up. Once your head gets used the the pressure in about 15 to 20 min it kinda seems to go away but honestly I would not even know how to describe this to anyone. It really truly is something that you would have to experience to understand ( not that I want any of my friends to experience this ).

    As I am sitting in the wheelchair waiting to be taken to the next waiting area they wheel a gentleman past me who gets to start his treatment now. I look at him & smile & he smiles back & says "this is a good time isn't it?" I smile back & say "oh yeah!" I can tell that this is his 1st time doing this & that he was very nervous. His wife is right behind him & she stops to talk to me. You can also see in her eyes how close she is to tears. I really wanted to stand up & just hug her & say its going to be okay-- the worst part of this is over now--but I chose to stay seated in the wheelchair. She puts her hand on mine & asks me a few questions. I am trying to answer her while hoping to make her feel more comfortable with this whole situation. She pats my hand & thanks me for the honesty. I wish her & her husband the best of luck & she follows to catch up to her husband. As she walks away I couldn't help to think how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people that I have in my life that are here to support me & how much I want to give that support back to others so they also feel the same in their time of need.
     Now I have spent a wonderful weekend in Pacifica with Brenda & the boys. Thank you Brenda for letting us tag along with you this weekend & meet your awesome man child. It's so wonderful to sit & watch my kids run & just play in the sand & water & for me I just feel at such peace with my life & what's going on right now.

Don't be afraid

     I had an interesting incident this weekend. I ran into someone on Friday that I had always been friends with before cancer. This person saw me & chose to ignore me & go up to my other friends that I was with & talk to them. I started feeling really bad... I kept thinking what the heck, we have always been friends what is the issue here? Did I do something to upset him? Did I ever say anything to offend him? I didn't understand what was wrong. So after much discussion with my girlfriends about this issue I confronted my friend to find out what the problem really was. It seemed that he just didn't know what to say to me anymore. He had felt that he needed to fix things & this was out of his control to fix & then he just didn't know what to say anymore. I told him that he was right he couldn't fix this but really what I needed most from him was his friendship. He understood how I felt but he wasn't sure what we could talk about now. I said to him that we can talk about everything we talked about before cancer. I don't want to talk about the cancer all the time. I want to sometimes feel that I am normal just like everyone else. This ended up being a great night with my friend & i am so thankful that I was able to have this talk with him.
  So why am I posting or talking about this incident? I have heard many people say that they feel uncomfortable around friends or family with cancer & they, just like my friend, don't know how they can help or even what to say to them anymore. This is how I feel about that.... I need my friends & family the most right now!! Sometimes there isn't anything that you can do but a quick text saying I love or I am thinking about you means the world to someone. Sometimes I don't always want people around but it sure is nice to know that no matter how bad I feel I still have them behind me supporting me. If you have been friends with someone for a long time you always have lots to talk about. Me personally, I would much rather hear what is going on with your life then even think about what I am dealing with in mine. I love to be able to help my friends & family by just listening to them when ever I can. They have done so much for me let me feel like I can give back a little too!