A waiting game... sighhh

    I was supposed to have my appointment yesterday with my Dr to find out the results when he presented my case to the Gamma Knife team but on Friday I got a call from my Dr's office telling me he wont even be presenting my case to the team until June 6th. Ugghhhhh!!! I have to say through this whole cancer experience over the past 4 1/2 years everything is a waiting game. You make an appointment and you wait 2 to 3 weeks to see them. They send you in for testing which is another 2 to 3 weeks to get this done then you are waiting for results of testing which could take about a week or so to get back. Most of the time the Dr's want you to come into their office to talk to you about result they wont give them to you over the phone very often so this is more waiting. It all makes me so tired and very impatient. So what am I supposed to be learning from this? Is my patience being tried because maybe I need to learn to be more patient. I don't know but it all makes me wonder. I wonder if a Dr has these same issues? Does he get in right away or find out results of testing quickly for him or maybe a loves one? I don't know but just thought I would throw that question out there. So at this point I really don't know what will be happening or when so I will be trying my very best to keep myself really busy so that I wont be thinking about what the next move is. Luckily I have the boys here with me this week and really don't always have time to think of much of anything but them when they are here. I LOVE these kids so much and they really bring so much joy to my life and I am just proud to say that I am their mom!

My heart is full of Love today!

    I just can't tell you how Loved I am feeling today. It is so nice to know that I have so many amazing and wonderful people that are behind me. That are always there pushing me on and telling me to keep fighting even when times get really tough for me. There are moments when things get so tough and I really truly feel like I am drowning that I just can't do this. This is when one of these friends just reminds me that it's OK and they are there for me no matter what happens. That all I need to do is focus on getting better and never to worry about all the other stuff going on. I don't know what I ever did to be so lucky to have all these people in my life but just know that each and every one of you all make a huge difference in my life and I could not continue to do this battle without all of you! You are all very much loved by me and continue to make a difference not just in my life but the life of my children!

Where oh where is my brain?

     Is it the effects of Gamma Knife treatment or the effects of Chemo that make me totally feel like I am losing my mind? I am really not so sure but I can tell that things are changing. I can send a text an email or a comment on facebook and for some reason I am thinking just what i want to say but when it is typed out and sent I will read it back and there are complete words that I have left out or an entirely different word in place of the one I wanted. Does this make any sense at all? Like tonight I meant to use the word shake but when the message was sent it was shack. The funny thing is I try and proof read everything I send but for some reason I am not catching this stuff and really it is just making me feel so dumb. Now I understand making mistakes like this every once in a while but I am finding that it is always happening now. This is not me! Sometimes I so miss the old Connie. The Connie that could say what needed to be said without 20 mistakes in what she was saying. I am almost at the point of not wanting to say anything because I am just so frustrated with it all. Do I just need to relax and know that all my friends know what is going on and they understand? Of course!! It is just so much easier said then done though. I know that I am so much harder on myself then any of my friends would be but I just can't shake this feeling of feeling so dumb. I know that I forget things now as well. If I don't put it into my calender right away there is not much of a chance of remembering an appointment and really I am finding that I am trying to write just about everything down so I can remember. Ughhhh, part of it could be due to my age but not even a year ago I didn't have all these issues. So I guess the ranting in this post tonight is more for each of you to know whats going on and maybe a little understanding just to know that I am not completely nuts.

News from the Dr but a great weekend!

    So... I didn't really have the kind of Dr's appointment that I wanted to have this last week but I had prepared myself for the worst and if I got some good news well then I could celebrate that. If I am going to be completely honest I knew that there had been some changes and that I would be getting some of the news that I expected. My biggest concern though was that I was going to have to be doing whole brain radiation. This is where the good news comes in, all though we have at least 2 to 3 new spots and the other spots that have already been treated do look bigger my Dr feels like they are bigger because of scar tissue and not because the tumors are growing. He also feels like the new tumors that are there now can also be treated by Gamma Knife again. He really wants to wait until we have no other choice to do the whole brain radiation. Not that I am so excited to do Gamma Knife again but this option is so much better then the whole brain radiation! My Dr will be presenting my case to a Gamma Knife board and they will make a decision on my case in a few weeks. I will be going back to see my Dr on the 29th and I will know more at that point but we are probably looking at doing Gamma Knife again sometime in June.
     I am so thankful that I had a very busy weekend planned to keep my mind off of the news. I was really struggling with my feeling on Thursday and really wasn't quite sure how I felt about things. We had lots of people at the house on Friday night as we were all getting up nice and early on Saturday morning for the Race for the Cure walk. I can't even tell you how wonderful it was to have so many of my friends and family there supporting me! It meant the world to me and I love each and every one of these people for being there and getting up so early with me!

  These were some of those wonderful people  minus some that were cut out of the picture or even taking the picture. What an amazing group of people! Sunday I was able to spend the day with all 4 of my children. I love my children so much and am so thankful for them. They make my life complete and remind me that no matter what happens to me there will always be a little bit of me in them and that I will be still here after I am gone. So all in all I am thankful for this wonderful week and for the wonderful people that I have around me who help me to contiune to fight and love me every day!