So tired tonight but sleep is hard to come by....

  
     I am so tired tonight but I am struggling very hard to find Mr. Sandman tonight! I had such a wonderful day with my dear Aunt that was in town from North Carolina and my Cousin that I haven’t seen in at least 11 years or so, We had such a great time catching up and just going on about just about everything. I so LOVED spending time with them and it was a day very well spent, but with this great day had a grey cloud hanging over my head.... I had been told that I would hear from my Dr today on the results from the chest x-rays. By 11 am when I hadn’t heard from him I called and left a message asking him to please call me. You would at least think that maybe you would hear from him at that point right? The answer to this question is a BIG FAT NO!! By 8 pm I knew that he would not be calling and I was going to need to figure out how to get through this weekend without knowing any answers. I just really struggle with how willing they are to make people wait. This is my LIFE!! I don’t want to wait 3 days for test results that you were given this morning. Is this how you would want to be treated by your Dr.....? I tend to think not! Ok, don't get me wrong... I do love my Dr and he has always taken good care of me and been very open and up front about what is going on. It’s just hard to do this waiting thing! I KNOW for a FACT that the cancer has started to grow again and really what I would like from my Dr is for him to just say this is what we are doing next so I can prepare myself and just move on it as soon as possible. I DONT HAVE TIME TO WAIT ANYMORE!! My children need me & I need to be here for them as much as I can right now. Every day I wait is just 1 more days that we should have moved onto something else!
    I am also struggling with a few other things right now and I just felt like instead of keeping them all bottled up maybe I could put it here and someone else might just feel the same way. My hair has started to fall out & I am trying really hard not to shave it yet while the boys are here. Colby has a little harder of a time with my hair being gone but I thing I will talk to him in the morning about this and just see what he thinks about this.... Maybe he will want to shave it for me, we will see. I don't do well with little pieces of hair all over the house. My clothes and really everywhere. My head is just so extremely sensitive right now to even think of running a shaver over my head right now just doesn't get my juices flowing. The thing is if I don't do it I am more up tight and just can’t seem to relax until it is done..... Ughhhh, I just can’t win here. So just with these 2 things on my mind tonight I am wound tighter then a clock. I am trying my best to relax and let the sleep take over and I am so overjoyed to have my 2 sweetest one here with me this weekend and turning it into a wonderful family memory for all to remember

I am now halfway through radiation :-)

     I am so very happy that I have now made it halfway through radiation but it does come with alot of other concerns right now. The side effects are starting to take place now and I can tell that I will be starting to lose my hair very shortly. It comes out a little now with just a little tug but my head is just so sensitive and when I touch my hair it just seems to hurt to the roots. I am also still having the wonderful headaches. They did start me up on the steroids to help with the swelling and to take the headaches away but the steroids make me feel so much worse phyically. I have been trying to figure out over the last week how little of these I could take and still feel somewhat normal without the headaches but not a lot of luck with this so far. Tomorrow I will just have to suck it up and take the steroids like I was told... who ever said these Dr's knew best? My body just kind of aches now and I look forward to the end of this radiation but I do know that I have some other things going on that has me very concerned.
   When I was told 2 weeks ago that we would be doing whole brain radiation they told me that they didn't want me to be taking my chemo pills as this would make my radiation side effects so much worse. I spoke with my oncologist about this and he agreed that I needed to stop taking them while I was going through this treatment. So I have not been taking these pills for the past 2 and a half weeks. I have now started to have the cough come back and my lungs feel very heavy again. I have a hard time breathing and really it feels like I am having an asthma attack. I decided that it was best if I called my Dr today as it really scares me to think that I have only been off of these pills a short while and could the cancer start growing this quickly? When I talked to him he said that more then likely if it had started to grow again that it was doing it while I was still taking the pills and not just in a 2 week period. So tomorrow I go in for a lung x-ray to find out if there is any change. I already know the answer to this question and am just trying to prepare myself for what will be said. I would so LOVE for my body to work with me a little bit here but I also know that not everything is always in my hands. I need to just keep my faith and know that everything will end up working out just how it should. Besides I also have LOTS of fight left in ME!

2 Day of Brain Radiation DONE...

I have now finished 2 days of  Radiation. It is a lot different experience then it was the first time around. Last week I had to go in and they made a mesh mask that goes over my face and kind of latches my head to the table so that I don't move at all and the radiation goes to the places that's needed.  This is what cracks me up... They put this mask on my face that is pretty tight and very hard to blink or even talk and every time they put it on they end up asking me questions that they are expecting answers for. I am really truly not sure if they really do this on purpose just to drive us crazy. I did notice also that when the radiation machine goes on there is this smell as soon as it turns on. It only last a minute or so but a very distinct smell. I asked the girls there today if this is something common as I had radiation done before and didn't ever remember smelling anything before. I was told that the only time they ever hear of someone saying that there is a smell is only with Brain Radiation. She couldn't really explain why just that it does. I was just thinking that really what it was is my brain frying... LOL The side of  effects have been that I have had some swelling in my brain from the trauma of the radiation so this causes a massive headache that in turn makes my stomach upset. They are talking about putting me on steroids again for a week or so to let the swelling go down some. I hate the thought of even taking steroids again. This makes me feel so much worse and then  I can't sleep on top of that so I am having to take my Ambien to try and get a least a few hours of sleep. Because of all the trauma to my brain they has also decided that it is best for me not to be driving as I am going through this treatment so no driving for the next 3 weeks. Now this is one I am really not so happy with. I don't like making  other people wait on me or not being able to do things myself. I guess this is just one of those learning lessons that I just need to sit back and let it be and be OK with. Let me just say now to all my friends that will be helping me out during the next 3 weeks Thank You from the bottom of my heart... I couldn't do this without you!!

Whole Brain Radiation

    Well the news is in and instead of going with Gamma Knife again they decided that it would be better to do Whole Brain Radiation. I honestly wasn't surprised when the Dr told me. I had actually gotten a call from both of my Dr offices a few days before to schedule appointments and even though no one had said anything to me on the phone I knew that this was something different then what had been done before so I had completely prepared myself before I went into this appointment. I guess I should have also prepared my support system that was there with me as when the news came down I could just see her facial features change and how upset she was. My dear friend Jennifer has been a Rock for me!! She has been to almost every appointment with me and always knows what questions to ask when we get new news and I am sometime in a blur and can't even think to ask at that moment. These appointment are sometime very intense and she has been so strong and helped support me every step of the way. I feel bad that I didn't for warn her and I know how hard it is to feel like the rug has just been pulled out from under your feet. I only mention this because I want Jennifer to know how much I love and appreciate her and everything that she has done for me. I couldn't get through all of this without wonderful friends such as her and am thankful I have people like this in my life!
  So moving on to the Radiation.... I will be starting this on Monday and it will be 5 days a week for 3 weeks. I am actually feeling a little better about doing this. The Dr said yesterday that it really gets a bad rap and really isn't as bad as everyone makes it sound, although it is whole brain radiation. Only time will tell how bad it is and believe me I sure will be speaking my mind about it! I will lose my hair again in about 2 weeks or so after treatment starts it should grow back again in about 2 to 3 months although there is a possibility that it will be thinner. My hair has always been very thick so thinner may not be to bad, :-) we will see. I will also be very exhausted for a few months so I may be kind of unsocial for a bit. Just bare with me and hopefully I will get back to my normal self soon. I am feeling good about this decision. There were just to many things going on in my head that they couldn't  say for sure if it was or wasn't cancer and we know for sure that there were 4 new tumors. So to do the whole brain radiation just seems like the right way to go right now. I am at peace with this and know that God has a plan for me that things will work out the way that they are supposed to.