Gammainized

    I am so thankful that the last few days are behind me! I had my 2nd round of Gamma Knife Radiation on Thur. & all though we did find 2 more tumors on the brain we did find them early enough to hopefully have them treated & shrinking with this treatment. I have to say this type of treatment is not for the faint at heart. I am so thankful for my dear friend Jennifer that has been there with me both times now & is willing to stand in front of this silly steel crown when they wheel it into the room just so I wont have to sit there & keep looking at it until they screw it into my head. I had forgotten in just a mere 5 mths how much pressure & pain there was with this procedure. All I remember from last time was hearing the screws being screwed into my scull but maybe because I have lost half of my hearing I didn't seem to hear it this time. My experience this time was more the pressure & pain & when the screw was tightened on my right temple an immediate toothache & my jaw just feeling like it was going to lock up. Once your head gets used the the pressure in about 15 to 20 min it kinda seems to go away but honestly I would not even know how to describe this to anyone. It really truly is something that you would have to experience to understand ( not that I want any of my friends to experience this ).

    As I am sitting in the wheelchair waiting to be taken to the next waiting area they wheel a gentleman past me who gets to start his treatment now. I look at him & smile & he smiles back & says "this is a good time isn't it?" I smile back & say "oh yeah!" I can tell that this is his 1st time doing this & that he was very nervous. His wife is right behind him & she stops to talk to me. You can also see in her eyes how close she is to tears. I really wanted to stand up & just hug her & say its going to be okay-- the worst part of this is over now--but I chose to stay seated in the wheelchair. She puts her hand on mine & asks me a few questions. I am trying to answer her while hoping to make her feel more comfortable with this whole situation. She pats my hand & thanks me for the honesty. I wish her & her husband the best of luck & she follows to catch up to her husband. As she walks away I couldn't help to think how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people that I have in my life that are here to support me & how much I want to give that support back to others so they also feel the same in their time of need.
     Now I have spent a wonderful weekend in Pacifica with Brenda & the boys. Thank you Brenda for letting us tag along with you this weekend & meet your awesome man child. It's so wonderful to sit & watch my kids run & just play in the sand & water & for me I just feel at such peace with my life & what's going on right now.

Don't be afraid

     I had an interesting incident this weekend. I ran into someone on Friday that I had always been friends with before cancer. This person saw me & chose to ignore me & go up to my other friends that I was with & talk to them. I started feeling really bad... I kept thinking what the heck, we have always been friends what is the issue here? Did I do something to upset him? Did I ever say anything to offend him? I didn't understand what was wrong. So after much discussion with my girlfriends about this issue I confronted my friend to find out what the problem really was. It seemed that he just didn't know what to say to me anymore. He had felt that he needed to fix things & this was out of his control to fix & then he just didn't know what to say anymore. I told him that he was right he couldn't fix this but really what I needed most from him was his friendship. He understood how I felt but he wasn't sure what we could talk about now. I said to him that we can talk about everything we talked about before cancer. I don't want to talk about the cancer all the time. I want to sometimes feel that I am normal just like everyone else. This ended up being a great night with my friend & i am so thankful that I was able to have this talk with him.
  So why am I posting or talking about this incident? I have heard many people say that they feel uncomfortable around friends or family with cancer & they, just like my friend, don't know how they can help or even what to say to them anymore. This is how I feel about that.... I need my friends & family the most right now!! Sometimes there isn't anything that you can do but a quick text saying I love or I am thinking about you means the world to someone. Sometimes I don't always want people around but it sure is nice to know that no matter how bad I feel I still have them behind me supporting me. If you have been friends with someone for a long time you always have lots to talk about. Me personally, I would much rather hear what is going on with your life then even think about what I am dealing with in mine. I love to be able to help my friends & family by just listening to them when ever I can. They have done so much for me let me feel like I can give back a little too!

And so it begins....

     So I have been told over & over by people that I need to get a blog so everyone can keep up with whats going on with me & the kids. So I am going to give this a try. I am not to sure every ones going to be that interested in what I have to say but here we go.

   Let me just start with a little bit about our family first. I have 4 wonderful children that I completely adore! My oldest is Bladen he is 22. He is living with me right now at home. When we found that the cancer had returned he stepped up to the plate & moved back home so that he could help take care of me & his brothers. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love my son for this. He is such a wonderful kids & I so appreciate everything that he does for us as a family. He is currently working at Rite Aid & seems to be really enjoy his job as of now. I don't think he will complain to much as it took him so long to find this job & is just happy to be working again. He is thinking of moving into his own place here in the next few month which I know will be great for him & he will be staying here in our apartment complex to help whenever it is needed. Crystal is 19 and is currently living in San Jose with her boyfriend Mark. It was very hard to have her move so far from home but she seems to be doing great there & is happy. She is currently looking for a job & still contemplating going back to school but right now the job is more important as she needs to pay her rent. Mark & her were both here for Christmas & we had a great time. I love spending as much time as I can with her when she is here & I really miss her everyday. Cameron is 9 & will be 10 in March. He is currently in 4th grade & loves school. He does very well & as of right now I never have to worry about his grades. He is such a great kids! It's funny I can see him in the other room busy with other stuff & I think his is not paying attention to whats going on but if I am talking to someone he can always repeat what has been said at a later date. He is the one child that really holds back his feeling but once you have made it into his circle you have a friend for life. Then there is the baby of the family Colby he is 8 now & I call him my cuddle bug. He is in 2nd grade & struggles with school a bit but everyday he keeps trying & it get a little easier day by day. He is just the sweeties child! He always knows when something is bothering me & is the first one to ask if I am OK. I love all the hugs & loves that I get from him & I miss them so much when they are at their dad's every other week. So that's it for the kids now on to me. I am not sure where to even begin I guess I will go back to my 40th birthday in 2007. I got a call from my Dr that day that changed my life. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I keep thinking this just couldn't be happening but it was true & I needed to deal with it & move on to fighting this. I went in for surgery for a mastectomy on Jan 12th & 2 weeks later started chemo which ended up lasting a year & half. In about the middle of chemo I also had radiation done this was 5 days a week for 2 months. If I ever have to think about doing radiation again I am not sure that I would do it again. I thought chemo was bad but I think radiation was soo much worse & I just remember being in so much pain & I really don't want to take that pain again. After all of this I was given the thumbs up from my Dr's in June of 2009 that I was cancer free. I was so happy that this part of my life was over & that I had beat cancer. I never in a million years thought my cancer would come back as quickly as it did. In Dec of 2010 I starting having issues with my breathing. I thought it was my Asthma as I have had this issue in the past but this just continued to get worse as the months went by. I had a feeling something was up but my insurance didn't kick in for work until March so I was trying to wait until then. In February I found a lump in my collar bone area & everything just clicked for me at that point & I just knew that the cancer had returned. That was one of the longest month as I was still waiting  for my insurance to kick in so that I could go to my Oncologist to see what was going on. After a lot of different testing in July of 2011 I was diagnosed once again with stage 4 recurring breast cancer that has metastasized to my lungs & collar bone along with 5 tumors in my brain. This just couldn't be happening again & so soon!! I always thought that it might come back but it was going to be a long way off & not a year & a half after I had been given the all clear. So what am I going to do this time. I am going to fight with all I have! I have 4 kids that I love & 2 which I still need to be here to raise. I will not give up hope!!
   So here we are today I have done chemo since July & am currently on a break from it as my body wasn't responding well. It looks like I will be starting up again in February as the tumors are beginning to grow again. Along with that we have found 2 more tumors on my brain that they will treat with the Gamma Knife Radiation sometime in February. At this point I take everything day by day. I love my life, my children & my friends am so blessed to have all of these things in my life. I look forward every day to spend as much time with all of them as I can!