So tired tonight but sleep is hard to come by....

  
     I am so tired tonight but I am struggling very hard to find Mr. Sandman tonight! I had such a wonderful day with my dear Aunt that was in town from North Carolina and my Cousin that I haven’t seen in at least 11 years or so, We had such a great time catching up and just going on about just about everything. I so LOVED spending time with them and it was a day very well spent, but with this great day had a grey cloud hanging over my head.... I had been told that I would hear from my Dr today on the results from the chest x-rays. By 11 am when I hadn’t heard from him I called and left a message asking him to please call me. You would at least think that maybe you would hear from him at that point right? The answer to this question is a BIG FAT NO!! By 8 pm I knew that he would not be calling and I was going to need to figure out how to get through this weekend without knowing any answers. I just really struggle with how willing they are to make people wait. This is my LIFE!! I don’t want to wait 3 days for test results that you were given this morning. Is this how you would want to be treated by your Dr.....? I tend to think not! Ok, don't get me wrong... I do love my Dr and he has always taken good care of me and been very open and up front about what is going on. It’s just hard to do this waiting thing! I KNOW for a FACT that the cancer has started to grow again and really what I would like from my Dr is for him to just say this is what we are doing next so I can prepare myself and just move on it as soon as possible. I DONT HAVE TIME TO WAIT ANYMORE!! My children need me & I need to be here for them as much as I can right now. Every day I wait is just 1 more days that we should have moved onto something else!
    I am also struggling with a few other things right now and I just felt like instead of keeping them all bottled up maybe I could put it here and someone else might just feel the same way. My hair has started to fall out & I am trying really hard not to shave it yet while the boys are here. Colby has a little harder of a time with my hair being gone but I thing I will talk to him in the morning about this and just see what he thinks about this.... Maybe he will want to shave it for me, we will see. I don't do well with little pieces of hair all over the house. My clothes and really everywhere. My head is just so extremely sensitive right now to even think of running a shaver over my head right now just doesn't get my juices flowing. The thing is if I don't do it I am more up tight and just can’t seem to relax until it is done..... Ughhhh, I just can’t win here. So just with these 2 things on my mind tonight I am wound tighter then a clock. I am trying my best to relax and let the sleep take over and I am so overjoyed to have my 2 sweetest one here with me this weekend and turning it into a wonderful family memory for all to remember